Blind, Deaf, and Dumb.

    D a r k n e s s .
    
    Every time she tried to look ahead, to hope, she was greeted with an overwhelming darkness. The second she began to believe that she’d finally brought some good into this world, they were snatched from her by death and time. The first who she had to slaughter. The second who was sent to the slaughter. Then, separated for all eternity from the two children who were the greatest good she could have ever hoped to bring into this world.

    There was nothing left of her but a hollowed shell, broken, and cracked along the edges.

    To return to a place filled with light only blinded her; turning her head to the ground where the only comfort could be found. An invisible weight dragged down her very being. Head bent, shoulders sagged, she could only slump into her only sanctuary. A room shrouded in darkness.

    Eyes flitting from wall to wall of her bedroom, it seemed that the thirty years she spent in a separate dimension had little affect to the few months that passed on this dimensional hopping train. Nothing had changed.

    She hated it.

    Harper was different when they met again. New mechanical limbs had attached themselves to both his legs, making him more machine than he was in the past. Something must have happened while she was gone, that much was obvious. She never asked what. Instead, a cruel feeling of satisfaction flowed through her, knowing that at least one thing was different since she’d left. It was a disgusting feeling. There was something wrong with her and she knew that. Wishing to keep this horrid side of her hidden, Arlaena chose to limit their time together.

        “Ten minutes.”

    That’s all her mind was willing to give Harper when he came to her door. She had no intention of letting him stay long enough to break through her defenses. She planned to keep herself walled up behind an imperfect lie of being ‘fine’. A lie that told him she didn’t need him to hold her and comfort her as he did in the past. She didn’t need a crutch. She was strong. She could fight her own demons without his help. For now, all she had to do was to hold herself together till he left. Ten minutes was all she needed. Then, she would kick him out of her life for good. She had to conceal it for now. Don’t feel it. Put on a show. Make one wrong move and then he would know.

    After Arlaena told him exactly how long she’d been gone for, he began to turn and run --there was too much commitment to be had if he stayed. There’s no way he was ready to care for such a shattered person. She lowered her defenses, closing her eyes as her body slackened in her bed. He was leaving and she wouldn’t stop him. They weren’t together anymore and that was it. He had no reason to stay by her side. He’d moved on with his life. There was no reason him for him to turn around and return to square one.

    So
        why
             did
                  he?

    That cunning bastard always had a knack of find her in her weakest moments. This time was no exception. Just as his hand grasped at the doorframe, he whipped back around and made his way to her twice as fast. His kiss stopped her the second her lips parted to protest. His words, slid through the cracks in her defenses.

    "Maybe I'm making a mistake. I usually hate mistakes..." he began, catching her gaze. "But I think I'll make an exception...just this once, for your sake."

    That night was the first of many spent together. Each time, Harper would believe it meant nothing to Arlaena. Arlaena, believing that Harper was simply ‘comforting’ her out of pity, never tried to fix that. After all, they weren’t ‘together’ anymore. No. They were just two broken people trying to find the pieces of each other that fit.

    This was not one of those nights.

    With a sharp gasp, Arlaena shot up from her bed with a silent scream etched on her contorted features. A paled, trembling hand had reached out to grab at a pair of hands. Sadly, they slipped through her fingers and dissipated along with the remnants of the dream. It was an elusive dream that haunted her every night she was alone. Slipping through her defenses, it would overwhelm her. It would ruin her.

    Arlaena held her frozen state for several moments. Those frantic crimson eyes searched the dark as if hoping to get a glimpse of the ghosts from her past that she so desperately longed for. As the seconds ticked on, the red in her eyes dulled as her arm fell limp to her side. Of course they were gone. Her friends, dead because she couldn’t protect them when it mattered the most. Her husband, murdered in battle several months prior. Her children, she could not return to no matter how much she fought, screamed, and grovelled to.  Of course they were gone. Everyone was gone. She was alone.

    So very alone.

    A disturbed smile curled its way onto her lips as a strangled cackle forced its way past her lips. Although she howled with hysterical laughter, her eyes stung as tears began to cascade down her cheeks, staining her blanket. The inhuman noises sounded like a wounded animal brutally tortured to the point of insanity.

    Life was c
                  r
                    u
                      e
                        l.
    Life was u
                  n
                    f
                      a
                        i
                         r.

    She’d been taught that lesson through experience over and over since the day she was born into this sadistic world. She’d been told to accept that fact and move on with life. Yet at times, she couldn’t help but curse a god she didn’t believe in. Why did she have to be the one to suffer? Why did everyone she loved have to be ripped from her? This was sick. She was sick. Literally.

    A wave of nausea flooded over Arlaena and she began to retch. Cupping a hand over her mouth and pressing the other against her stomach, Arlaena fled to the bathroom to hurl.

    Once that episode was over, she stood on shaky legs and washed out her mouth at the sink. Lifting her head, Arlaena inspected herself in the bathroom mirror. She was a mess. Her eyes were redder than usual with purple bags hanging under them. Her hair was in knots and her clothes were disheveled. She didn’t look at all like the strong, independent woman she once was. In her place, the shrivelled, hollowed, and cast off shell of what shouldn’t be. She was a woman so riddled to the bone with weakness that she could barely stand. The stress and grief that had piled themselves onto her back one brick at a time had become a burden she could no longer carry.

    Everyone she’d ever loved was dead and gone.

    What stopped her from joining them?
    What stopped her from killing herself?
    What stopped her from ending the suffering?

    N
       o
          t
            h
               i
                 n
                   g

    Stumbling out of the bathroom, the woman swayed as she staggered towards the sword she kept propped against a wall next to her bed. Next to her bed was freedom.

    Yanking the blade out of its place, she unsheathed it, flinging the cover across the room. The hardened leather knocked against the dresser, rocking it sideways, causing everything that covered it to slip to the ground. It didn’t matter. Someone else would have to pick it up once she’s gone. Nothing mattered any more.

    Raising the blade over her heart, the woman pressed the tip against her shirt, cutting through cloth and slitting skin to draw blood. She didn’t even wince or falter. She was completely numb to the pain. Instead, a trembling sigh of relief rolled off her tongue as she adjusted her grip on the handle. Soon, she’d be reunited with everyone again. No one would miss her when she’s gone.

    Shutting her eyes, she swallowed hard. Pulling back the blade, she readied herself to ram it into her chest. Soon-

        Beep beep!
            Beep beep!

    Startled, the woman raised her head and allowed her eyes to scour the area for the source. It didn’t take long till she spotted a disc shaped robot beeping green in the corner. It must have started up after she knocked it off her dresser. What did she use to call the thing…?

        H.J

    Arlaena faltered then, sword clattering to the ground. That’s right. H.J. Harper Junior. A gift from the man she’d named it after on a whim. It felt like an eternity ago and she’d forgotten about the thing. She’d forgotten about the one who’d made it for her. She’d forgotten about the one person that was still there for her. How could she?

    She choked back a sob as she reached out to cradle the robot in her arms. The metal was cold against her skin yet the tears ran hot. She wasn’t alone. She’d just forgotten she wasn’t.

    Steadying her stance, Arlaena moved over to her closet to grab a simple robe to wrap about her body. Shutting the door behind her, she made her way down the barren corridors, illuminated by the setting moon. Finally, she found herself standing outside room E8. Without even bothering to knock, she overrode the lock system with a simple wave of her hand.

    The door complied instantly, sliding open silently. Without so much as an invite, Arlaena walked in to find Harper fast asleep on the bottom bunk. How peaceful. It would be a shame to wake him at this point. So, instead of waking him, she carefully lifted the covers to slip under and return to where she belonged. Safe in his arms, Arlaena rested her head against his chest, listening to the rhythmic beat of his heart. She was wrong. There was one person left for her. If there was one thing that kept her calm, it was the sound of his heart and knowing that he was alive.

    Harper’s arms tightened ever so slightly about her shoulders and waist, drawing her closer to him. In response, she simply caressed the side of his face, fingers brushing against his skin. What she wanted was to be with him. The only way to do so, of course, was to keep up the wall between them. The wall that screamed she didn’t love him. This was all to keep them together, unchanging in the moment.

    Whether or not his feelings for her were of love or lust, she didn’t know. To ask would be to risk everything that was between them. If she lost him too, she was content with floundering in the dark with him. But what she did know was that even after all this time, she still loved him.

    She wouldn’t tell him.

    Oh god.
              Oh god.
                        Oh god.
              Oh god. 
    Oh god.

    Arlaena’s body shook, throat burning from bile. Clutching the edges of a toilet bowl, she heaved again, coughing up bits of acid green and yellow. When there was nothing left to throw up, Arlaena slumped to the floor in exhaustion. Her features were a pale green, hands frozen, matched with a body that quaked in tremors. Her gripped slackened, hands dropping to her sides leaving cracked imprints in the porcelain. Wrapping her arms about her waist, she curled forward in exhaustion still in utter disbelief.

    For the past few days, she’d woken up nauseous. The first time was at the break of dawn. Not wanting to wake up Harper, she slipped to the bathroom and back. At first she thought it was last night’s steak, but after five days of morning sickness, she knew something was wrong.

    Picking up one of several white sticks that littered the bathroom floor, she felt the sudden urge to hurl once more.

    ‘I am pregnant.’
                                     ‘I am pregnant.’

    Falling to her hands, Arlaena frantically grabbed at the pregnancy tests, shattering them into pieces with her iron grip. Then, flung them into the trash. Tearing out some toilet paper, she scrunched them up to cover the broken pregnancy tests. How could she tell Harper that she was pregnant? If she were to tell him she was pregnant with his child, she didn’t know how he’d react. Would he run away because of the responsibility? Maybe. Sure, he’d never left her before when things got tough, but now there’s a child involved and a whole different set of problems. She knew that he wasn’t one to settle down and have children --that was just one of the many reasons for their break up.

    Pursing her lips together, she fought back the urge to throw up. She didn’t want to lose him. She couldn’t lose him. With that, she made her final decision.

    She wouldn’t tell him.

    It was nearing the end of the second month of her return when she noticed that Harper’s strength seemed to be wearing thin. Had he always looked this tired? So stressed? She’d never noticed before.

    Frowning, Arlaena could only wonder if the coffee machines weren’t pumping out enough caffeine into their drinks. ‘But that can’t be it...’ she thought, shaking her head. She’d already set the caffeine output on maximum --possibly making it borderline toxic. Ajax had reprimanded her about the harmful effects of too much caffeine on superpowered people, but her response to his exasperation was, “let it go.”

    What else was there to do?

    Arms crossed over her chest, Arlaena thought harder. Maybe bringing the train to a new dimension would cheer him up. They have been docked in Smekosis long enough. It was time for a change of scenery.

    Even if she’d asked what was wrong, he’d never tell her.

    For the first time in forever, Arlaena was out of the confines of her room for longer than it took to get to Harper’s. In fact, she’d stepped off the train to make several orders from local vendors to restock the train’s general supplies. While she wasn’t ready for any extreme adventures like she used to be in the past, this was already a step in the right direction. The simple passing of days and brief interactions with new faces had begun to break the frozen heart of hers.

    Just before returning to the train, she did make a detour to check out a tent that sold wooden trinkets that moved without the use of electricity and puzzle boxes. Intrigued by her findings, Arlaena made her way back to the train with the several puzzle boxes and random trinkets, knowing that the resident genius would appreciate any challenge.

    Stepping back onto the train, Arlaena was greeted by a brisk breeze thanks to the train’s cooling systems. She wasn’t planning on staying outside her room for longer than this and socialize more than necessary. So, she quickened her pace down the near barren corridors. Only, she faltered in her tracks when she spotted Harper in the Lounge Car. On his knees, clutching one of the sofas.

    Instantly, her body seized up and she did a double take of the situation. Something was wrong with him and she didn’t understand what.

    Chucking her newly purchased goods aside onto a sofa, she raced to Harper’s side. Collapsing to her knees, she gently took him into her arms, cradling him as if he has just suffering from a little anemia. Yes, that had to be it. There was no way that anything worse than that was happening here. He wasn’t dying. Just… a little colder than usual. He wasn’t dying. He wasn’t going to die. He was going to stay by her side and they would continue their little charade.

    Arlaena’s eyes stung and her vision blurred, but she held back the onslaught of tears that threatened to pour.

    Harper smirked, trying to act like a tough guy. "I-I...I probably look like shit right now..."

    “Yeah, just a little,” she mumbled, forcing a laugh to lighten the situation. He was just  fooling with her. That’s such a Harper thing to do after all. Get her all worked up when it’s really nothing. It is just nothing, right?

    "Arla...Arla I really don't have much time to explain, but please hear me out..."

    She didn’t want to hear it. She’d sooner smother his face with the sofa than to listen to what he had to say. She didn’t want to listen, but her lips were numb. Her entire body had stiffened and locked into place. She understood now --even though she didn’t want to-- that something had happened to him while she was gone. She didn’t know the details of it, but she did know this: something was taking Harper from her. She was about to lose another person and she had done nothing for him.

    He was dying but she
                                    never
                                              s a w
                                                        it.

    Arlaena couldn’t find the words to coin the overflow of feelings that drowned her. An unbearable sadness, a choking anger, and guilt. A flood of guilt that ebbed and flowed throughout her body, numbing the tips of her fingers and weighing down her tongue like lead. She couldn’t find the words to speak. Her throat burned and any semblance of a sentence came out as a raspy sob.

    He’d been dying and she didn’t know. That’s all there was to it. He was dying and she didn’t know. She couldn’t look past her own abyss to peer into his. While he was acting as her crutch, he was breaking. Even now as he lay dying, coughing up blood from his weakening body, he was trying to help her move on with her life. With his last breath, he was wasting it on an ingrate who could never match the kindness he’d shown her. He had been so patient with her, listening to her problems, taking on her world, and being there for her.

    She failed to do the same.

    The shell of the man she once knew, now crumpled in her arms and slipping from her grasp, could only force a ghost of a smile to grace his bone white lips. She had to do something. At least say something instead of sit there like a blubbering mess.

    She had to save him.
            She wanted to save him.
                    She couldn’t save him.

    She knew that much. Even if Arlaena took him to the infirmary, it would do no good now. It was ironic. In comparison to her strength and powers, he had been the powerless one throughout their relationship. Yet he had saved her countless times without even trying. She, with all her powers, could do nothing. She was powerless.

    The seconds passed on like eternities before her fingers began to curl against his shirt, drawing his body up to hers in a tight embrace. She didn’t want to let him go. Yet she knew that regardless of how hard she tried, she could never keep him.

    The air, cold. Her breaths, shaky. Her body, trembling as tears began to prick at the corners of her eyes. This was the end. Their end. There was no use hiding behind masks. No more false pretenses. No more flowery flirtations. No more lies. The words she’d feared to utter began to cascade off her tongue as easily as the tears that rolled down her cheeks.

        “I love you.”

    It took everything within her to be able to admit that once more. After all this time, she could finally say it. Though, whether or not he heard her, she didn’t know. Instead, he reached up to her face in attempts to brush away her tears. "Don't cry Arla…” He told her softly, catching her tears. “You know I love it when...when you smile. I'll do anything for that smile..."

    Arlaena faltered. Taking in another shaky breath, she forced a broken smile. At this point, this was all she could do now. Besides telling him more truths.

        “I would have married you, you know?”

    There it was.

    Her voice rose an octave, speeding up, knowing that their time was running out. “If we didn’t break up back then, I would have married you. I would have started a family with you. Even if I would have outlived you by hundreds of years. Even if you only had a few months left to live- I would have married you.” It seemed their wishes had been the same all along. He wanted to be with her. She wanted to be with him. They both thought of settling down with each other and starting a family. All they ever wanted was to be happy. Why was that so hard?

    The edges of her frame began to quake with sobs as she clutched onto his body tighter.

    “P-lease… Please…! Don’t leave me! I-I’m pregnant, H-Harper-- I can’t do this on my own- Please-” she was pleading with him at this point. She felt like she was suffocating; drowning in regret for the words she’d never said. There was still so much to tell him, but she knew he couldn’t hear her anymore. Instead, the unspoken words echoed loudly in her head.

    While he was struggling to stay strong, she was crumbling. But she didn’t care how pathetic she looked. There were no more masks to hide behind. No more false pretenses. No more walls to climb over. It was just them and that’s all that mattered.

    Deaf to her voice, Harper continued on. He talked about moving forward. About living.

    How? She’d lost everyone she’d ever cared for. Now she would lose him too. He was leaving her and no matter what she tried, she couldn’t keep him.

    She parted her lips to beg for his life, only to be stopped with a kiss. It wasn’t a heated, passionate kiss. Instead, a soft, ghostly kiss that left a larger impression on her than any of their previous kisses. Then, he parted his lips to leave her with his last words:

        "I love you, Arla...always have...and always will."

    Then, he smiled. That soft, sweet, and genuine smile she had fallen in love with. The smile that she would fall in love with over and over again if only time would let her.

    If only...
        If only...
    If only...

    Then, the light left his eyes. His body fell limp in her arms and time slowed. Her gaze whited out everything and everyone around her. Slowly now, she bent over his body to plant one last kiss on his unfeeling lips. Stroking the stray strands of hair from his face, her voice quietly echoed the words she’d always wished to tell him.

        “I wanted to marry you… you know…?”

    In the end, he
                        never
                                heard
                                        a
                                            word
                                                    she
                                                          said.